Posted by: The Grrl In the Moon | May 14, 2010

The Kids, and Ideals.

I have daughters, three of them, one biological, two by partnership. Which means that I and Mr. D have control over our youngest girls home environment. My youngest, Freya’s biological father is not in the picture, Mr. D is her dad. Jane, our eldest is 18 now, she lives with us while she is going to school right now, but lived with her mom for most of her young life. Seeing her father whenever was possible, and spending the summers with him, I met her when she just turned 12. Now there is Laura, she is 8, and lives with us on the weekends, every weekend.

All right, because there is not a lot of info on our family I wanted to do a small blurb so that you can follow along. That believe me is a simplified version, their stories though young are so much bigger.

The reason about this is, is that I only have control over home environment for one child, Freya. For other girls I don’t have complete control over it.

The great thing, is that I have really great conversations with Jane now, we talk, we talk about our morals and ideals and the morals and ideals she was raised with. I don’t need to tell her how to think now, we just discuss it. At age 18, she is becoming an enlightened young lady, and becoming a free thinking adult. I love our conversations.

With Freya things are more difficult, she’s adhd, and she’s young. So I lead by example, and try my damnest to see that she is not written off because she is not patriarchs idea of the little girl. She doesn’t not fall neatly into their categories, of what a girl should be, and I’m sure of what a women should be. And already at 6 she has a preconceived notion of what she should be. She argued with me that skinnier was better, she wanted to be skinny. I didn’t let down, I kept my point that as long as she ate relatively healthy and kept active, it didn’t matter what size she was. That health didn’t equal skinny, that we all are made differently. I fight that point in this house. Health equals Health.

Now we come to darling Laura, who spends her week with her mom and then her weekends with us. Her mom is Patriarch’s dream, she is not a feminist, she plays the damsel in distress and teaches her daughter that growing up, getting married, and having babies is what women do.
A quote from Laura, “My mommy says that until T puts a ring on her finger, he’s not getting any babies out of her.”

I remember my jaw hitting the floor, so here I am teaching her what I can. I believe if getting married and being a mom is what makes her happy, that is fine. I just get so worried that she thinks that is her only option. I want her to know that it’s her life and she makes the choices, and that it will lead her to a fulfilled life.

T is no longer in the picture, there is now another man, C, and I can’t help but wonder how many more there will be. Mr. D and I liked T, he was good to Laura, and she loved him. And now C seems like a decent guy, and Laura seems to like him. But life is so hard when you have competing morals, Laura’s mom is not a horrible person, she is just what patriarchy wants. She loves her daughter, and without truly examining her life, is teaching her daughter that patriarchy is right.

I just hope I, and the many strong women in her life, Laura will examine these thoughts and learn that she is an amazing, young , vibrant, and can do whatever she wants, even if sometimes she has to fight for that right. That she will fight, because she knows she is human and deserves to be treated as such. No matter her size, her age, if she doesn’t fall into Patriarchy’s norms.

But in the end, this is all relative, I want my children to fight the good fight. I want them to be better feminists then me. I will teach and love and support them, no matter if they are feminists or not. Their choices are their own, they have to live their own lives. I can hope though!

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