They think they have found the body of the little girl Shaniya, maybe they have confirmed it. Part of human nature is betrayal, in the end someone is always looking out more for themselves then those whom have placed their trust in that someone. Shaniya was betrayed, betrayed by the one person we are always told will protect us. This is not to minimize the role that a father plays, but mothers give us life, they create us, we come from their bodies. They are supposed to love us, nurture us, and protect us. This begs the question, what makes some women do this, what makes them able to look into the eyes of their children and walk away, purposely leaving them in dangerous situations. How could someone pawn off her child, knowing the possibility of what was going to happen to her.

Full knowing there was someone that loved her and wanted to provide what that mother could not. Just for money, a currency, Shaniya became no more than a DVD player or an old engagement ring to her mother. I can’t understand how sick this mother must have been. To let go, knowing how horribly she betrayed her child.

My daughter is five, and I have pictures of her like the one they show of Shaniya. A happy safe looking child and I think, I think of what my daughter looks like when I can’t follow through on a promise, or when I need to discipline her, or when she knows she’s disappointed me. How her dark eyes look so sad, or upset. Or the look they give you when they are truly terrified of something, a show, a sudden noise, and monsters under the bed. How I want hold her until her face relaxes, until she is no longer upset, how it breaks my heart a little bit, when I see fear or disappointment in her eyes.

I can’t help but think about how truly terrified Shaniya must have been, and it makes me sick to my stomach, to know it was her mother that betrayed her. It wasn’t fictional monsters under the bed, Shaniya’s monsters were real, and one of them gave birth to her.

I hope Shaniya’s fear filled eyes haunt those involved with her ending, and I hope all the monsters in the world start to feel and experience the pain they have inflicted knowingly on others. I hope it eats away at their consciousness, and I hope Shaniya is somewhere where she does not have to feel fear anymore.

The school year is now zipping along at light speed.

Freya started Kindergarten this year, the baby in Kindergarten. It’s funny I didn’t cry, I thought I would, but I didn’t. This just seemed right, the natural progression, it was a big joyous affair for our family. School is so important, education is prized before money in our family. The start up however into Kindergarten was a long and painful process for Freya as well as Mr. D and myself. Where we live we have what is called the Primary Project in some of the schools around town. What this means is the Kindergarten’s go full days like the rest of the school. Freya is in one of these schools, I wasn’t concerned about Freya attending one of these schools, she has been in Daycare since she was 18 months old, and had participated in two years of Preschool. I knew that she was ready and prepared. But not all children are ready for this, to make the transition easier for the kids they have gradual entry. The first week of school Freya only attended two days that week. The first day was an orientation with the parents, the second day was an interview with both Kindergarten teachers. This was to assess their readiness, to find out more about the child, the asked for a questionnaire to be filled out. I provided them with a novel. This part was wonderful, they were really trying to build two classes that were going to beneficial to both Teacher and Student, they put a lot of thought into this. Which of course impressed me, I walked away from the interview knowing that my child was going to get a great first year of school, with either teacher.

Now we are done the gradual entry and Freya is now in school full time. She has a young energetic teacher who is probably the older version of Freya, she plays the guitar and has the children learn through music. Nothing could be better for Freya, before school we just couldn’t get her to count past twelve; the teens just threw her off. Now not even a month later she’s counting to thirty and adding with her fingers. I am so proud, I know reading is going to be close behind, I know she really wants to read and write, but she and I get so frustrated when I try and teach her. But I know this teacher is going to get her there.

Freya has already made a really close friend, and surprise it’s a little girl! Usually Freya’s first picks are boys, but once I met this little girl, I understood. She was like Freya, girlie with a boyish, rough and tumble go getter attitude.

Kindergarten has been great for Freya, even with the slow start, and not getting to go as often as she liked with the gradual entry. Now she’s there five days a week, six hours a day. She is so excited to go to school every day, we’ll get to see how long that lasts. Hopefully at least until High School.

I get asked a lot of if Mr. D and I are going to have more kids. In fact, I get asked this a lot, especially lately. It seems most of the people I know are having babies, or had babies in the last year. In fact I put around 20 or so babies born in the last year to people I am fairly close with or just acquaintances with. It seems that most of my friends from school are now having babies. In fact some days I am baffled by the amount of people I know pregnant. It’s not that my friends before didn’t have children, it just they seemed more spaced out. I’d hear about 1 or 2 pregnancies a year. Not everywhere I turned. Maybe it’s the age now. Most of the people I know are in their late 20’s, early 30’s. And the questions that baby occupied people seem to have is. If you have been together for as long as you are and have no children together, are you going to?

What through me off the other day is I was visiting a friend whom had just had a little girl last month. As I was happily rocking and cradling this precious little being. My friend looked at me and said, “Do you want more children?”

My friend lives out of town and was in visiting her parents, I don’t get to talk to her very often. She knows a little bit about my life now, and I know a little bit of hers. It’s funny, as children we were next door neighbours, and for a couple of years we were inseparable. And now, when she asked this question to me, it was more a question of who was I now. Did I want more children? I have a way with babies, they feel safe with me, I think it’s because I can’t help but rock and hum when they are in my arms, I feel comfortable holding babies. I always rocked and hummed to Freya when I held her.

Nobody has ever asked me if I wanted more. So I took a minute, and looked to Freya talking to one of other guests, and holding this tiny life in my arms. I thought about Jane, and Laura, and my dear crazy Freya. I gave my answer, and it was my usual standard answer, “I have three beautiful, healthy children, with only ever having to give birth to one.” And then I said something I’ve never said before, something that had a truth in it, I always confused before. I said, “No, I don’t want any more children.”

I loved holding that baby, and yes, sometimes I miss it, but with my life the way it is, I now have time to do the fun things with the kids, they are more self sufficient, they get themselves ready. I just brush hair and tell them they can’t wear shorts to school in the winter. I supervised Freya’s shower by herself last night, she did a good job. Yes, she’s not my baby any more, but I am excited by her growth, to see where she is going. I am always allowed to love her best, a little more than the others because she came from me. She is my daughter and she is perfect. Then I have amazing step kids. I’m sure every once in a while I’ll doubt myself, I’ll wonder, but I think it’ll always be about wanting to share that feeling with Mr. D, as we never got to experience it together. And that is not a good reason to have another baby.

So no, I am blessed with a wonderful family. I am content with the number of children I have.

Or subtitled Children as weapons.

Sharing a child is crap, it’s a lot of other words too, that I’m not going to say. It doesn’t matter how much you like your “ex” partner. There is a reason you aren’t with them anymore. So your friends and you get along, whoopee, good for you. And as much as that does have a bitter tone to it, I mean it if you do.
Laura’s mother and Mr. D do not have a legal custody agreement, it has always been verbal. This can be good in one sense, avoiding courts are always good. But at the other hand, we have nothing protecting us from her being unpredictable, and Laura’s mother can be unpredictable.

A short bio of Laura’s mother from my point of view, we call her D.A., it is short for something not very nice I will admit. We also try our best to not talk about D.A. in front of Laura.

D.A. is one year older then myself, I will say she is a little on the bigger side, and is pretty, but plain. One of those women that their features just don’t stand out, she works as a retail cashier. She seems to have a bubbly personality, however it also rides closely with an attempt at ditzy cute, and complainer. She is always tired, always sick. Can’t believe she forgot this or forgot that, teehee. Yes, I have actually heard her say teehee. When I first met Mr. D, she was living with a friend that had some wildly out of control sons that were not so nice to Laura, she was 2 at the time and the youngest boy was 5. Laura didn’t like living with them. A couple months later she moved out, got a place for her and Laura, and dated a wild range of men. We fortunately got to hear all about it, through D.A. and Laura. Then they met a fellow that turned out to be good for them. He took care of D.A. and Laura, helped her financially, with Laura, etc. They were together for 4 years. We learned to like him well enough, Laura seemed to like him and the whole child sharing switch off was usually quite smooth. Recently D.A., in her words, kicked him out. We knew they were having problems, but according to Laura he was mean to her mom, and I asked if he was mean to her, and she said no. I imagine living with D.A. would be like living with a teenager. Most of my encounters with her, usually end with her doing something, or saying something immature. I’ve even had D.A. backstab a couple of her friends to me…. Which always struck me as strange, so I can’t imagine what she says behind my back.

Now, the verbal agreement stands as thus. Laura stays the school week with D.A., and weekends with us. We have her Friday evening until Sunday evening. That has been their arrangement for 6 years. We alternate Holidays and Birthdays, on Christmas she spends the Eve, morning with one parent and the afternoon, dinner with the other. Sometimes here and there each side with request extra’s like taking Laura on a trip, or a special occasion comes up. If enough notice is given and the other parent doesn’t have anything special planned each tries to be accommodating.

However every once in a while D.A. gets these wonderful ideas. Like one year she was going to take Laura and move to Alberta with her then boyfriend of a year. We managed to squelch that. We let her know that she was more than welcome to move away from her entire family, but that we would not let Laura go, she was going to stay with the majority of her family. At that time we even had D.A.’s parents agreeing with us. Another time she decided she wanted weekends off, and Laura too. Again, Mr. D tells D.A. that he has had his schedule switched several times over the years and he always made sure he took and saw Laura on the weekends, no matter what. The weekends were his unless she wanted to give up primary custody and give it to us. Thankfully she backed down again.

Now she’s decided to take weekends off again, has been dating at least 4 different guys, those are the names that Laura remembers, because yes she’s met them all, and asked us why one those guys slept over. Yes, Mr. D has gotten asked several awkward questions by Laura about her mom’s dating. And Laura told him that she was going to move away for a year this weekend, so her mommy could go to school.

I have so many issues with this, one, are we being so unreasonable, I really though children needed stability and predictability. I know they can survive change, but I thought you avoided it when it wasn’t necessary. I thought that when you were dating you were supposed to keep it on the down low. Check these guys out thoroughly before you introduced them to your 8 year old daughter. D.A. has every weekend childless!!! Laura goes to bed at 8pm, how hard would it have been to keep her out of all her mom’s serial dating. She and Laura’s old stepdad have not even been split up for 2 months. (Laura did call the old BF her step dad as he was in her life for 4 years) And why would you up root your daughter for a year when you didn’t have too? Laura’s entire family, excluding 1 set of grandparents live in this town. She has friends, she dances, and she loves her school. Yet, DA would take her away from her dad, and sisters and grandparents for a year so she could go to school?!?!

I know it would be hard to live without Laura, in fact I get sick thinking about it, we’ve always had her so close. But who’s being unreasonable here? D.A. has never raised Laura on her own, she has always had support, and she has been known to leave Laura with people she’s just met. So far nothing bad but?

So are we being unreasonable and possessive?

Or is she?

Laura is so used to us and this arrangement, it’s been all she’s ever known. I don’t think she’d be happy with either decision. So when do you step in, and say let’s do what’s best for the child. And how do you know what’s best when both parents don’t want to lose her?

Because taking her away from either of us is going to hurt her and one parent like hell. No matter which way it goes. And like I say, it’s not like D.A. is unfit, she’s just doesn’t think of the consequences of her actions.

For me, as much as I love the festivities of Christmas and the New Year, the year just didn’t seem to start anew there. For some reason, I always felt a pull to fall. To change as the season changed, where my grand Ideas’ started, when I wanted to change my outlook and for my retrospection. I guess it may have to do with the fact I was born in September, and possibly because when growing up it was the new year of school. This is when your friends didn’t mind if your style changed, because everyone seemed to change in the two months of Summer. Even now in Adulthood, no longer in school, I still feel a strong pull of change come with the cooler weather. This year seems to be a pinnacle for me, I have been contemplating a great many things, however it always comes down to Love, Family, Career, and current situations.

This year has been a difficult one in the family perspective, cancer, sickness, death. With all the drama that enfolds with the above, this is also my last year of being in my 20’s. I will turn 29 before this month is over. Our youngest Freya is starting kindergarten, Laura begins her last year of primary in school. I have a great many things floating around my brain, I have never feared getting older, but I do however have a great fear of not being happy with how I’ve spent my life. And since personal happiness is something I’ve always struggled with, it worries me.

Life is screaming by me in a hurry, and I am not where I want to be. I am in pursuit of Happiness, and I have found no longer am I looking outward to find it, but turning inward and trying to find out why I am not happy. Oh how does that open up a bag of worms, to find issues that need to poked, prodded and re-defined.

So where are you?

Are you happy?

Or are you trying to be the person you think you should be?

It’s a part of life, unfortunately it means the end of it. We are prepared as children for death, our family pets die, people die on the news. Death is all around us. We know it has to happen. Nothing lasts forever, but every once in a while a needless death hits close to home, where mortality will spit right in your face.

My Sister in Law died last week. Officially taken off life support on August 14th, it took her 2 hours and 44 minutes to actually pass on. But it was just her body, when they got the MRI done, they found her officially brain dead. This news came on Mr. D’s birthday.

This was Mr. D’s closest sibling, when he trucked to her city, which he did for a while on regular basis. They would have lunch or dinner, sometimes he’d see her once a week, sometimes once a month. She came up to visit us early June, on her motorcycle and spent the week with us.

She at that point told me to quit my job and just go for whatever I wanted to do because life was too short. She was a free spirit, but also restless. She seemed always trying to better herself and find her path in life. In the last couple of years she was soul searching, reading into Buddhism and other eastern religions. She’d had a hard life, more so then anyone of us really knew.

The hard part in the end is if she had been wearing a full face helmet and some leathers, not a glorified skullcap and a hoodie. She probably would have survived. She was on her motorcycle and she was only going 50-60 kms an hr. It was just one wrong move in a construction zone.

It’s a sad time, a good person was lost.

May she find peace, and know we love her and will miss her.

“I know why they are call flip flops, because they go – flip flop flip flop flip flop – Right Mommy? But … sometimes they don’t” (This was said in about 30 sec.)

“Did you know mommy that you can use shamwow? It can dry clothes, gets water out of carpet, you can use it for anything mommy. All I can say is shamwow.” (Ah the educational tv programs Jane lets Freya watch when taking care of her.)

I’m not sure how savvy you are to the names of dance moves. However there is a move called Raising the Roof.
Freya “Raison’s on the Roof, Raison’s on the roof!”

Driving Freya to daycare, rush hour. “I know why it’s so busy mommy, it’s because people are visiting from other worlds. Just like we did.”

Where are your plastic eyeballs Grandma!?

Ok, now on Facebook you can suggest friends for people. And sometimes, no I don’t want to be their facebook friend.

Jane, my eldest suggested a friend for me the other day. It happened to be her mother. Now, I love Jane and I do happen to be Jane’s Sisters friend on Facebook. However I am not sure why on earth she would think I would want to be friends with her mother on facebook? I’ve never talked to the women in my life, all I’ve ever heard about her are bad things, all my information about her is tainted. And I’m supposed to friend her? I mean I’ll point out the fact that Jane’s own sister doesn’t even talk to their mother anymore, and hasn’t friended with her.

I sometimes really wonder what goes on in a teenagers head. It must be hormone induced craziness. I have very few recollections of myself ever making a sane decision as a teenager.

However, if I haven’t met you in person or talked to you before, really I don’t want to friend you on facebook. Especially if you happen to be one of Mr. D’s exes.

I’m really not that friendly.

Ok, I’ll blatantly admit I’m fishing here. However due to bikinis being on my tag list, my hits are up. I can see that people are poking around my other articles, and well like the bumper stickers on the back of company drivers. I am polling for how is my blogging? I made it easy, you don’t have to think of something witty or smart to comment with. You just got to vote!

So, the thing I didn’t expect. Something I really didn’t think would happen. It has happened. Mr. D has lost his job, he has two weeks’ worth of runs left and he’s off to the EI Office. I guess we knew there was a possibility, there were signs. I just ignored them, figured work was just slow, he wouldn’t work as much, they know he’s a great driver. They wouldn’t want to lose him.

I think for the most part I’m in shock. It hasn’t quite sunk in. Part of me goes, no matter things will be fine, we won’t have to change our lifestyle. The other part of me is screaming, cut the cable, sell the car!!

In the end though it means that Mr. D and I are going to have to sit down and talk finances. Which I’m not very good at, I usually panic, freak out and ignore them. I have an ostrich technique, head in sand.

But who knows too, maybe I can put a positive spin on this. Maybe EI will sponsor Mr. D to go and get his grade 12. Maybe this will give us the opportunity teach the girls about have not, or exciting ways to have fun without spending money. Maybe we will learn to really budget, and stick with it. Mr. D will now be home every night.

I am just tired of having things thrown at us. I know we are blessed, I know it could be a lot worse. I just question how much more I can withstand. 2008 was a really bad year for our family, cancer and heart problems ran rampant, friends passed on, my grandmother had to be placed in a home, and because she is in late dementia, people had to explain to her everyday why she was not at home. When 2009 hit I was ecstatic, I knew everything had to be better this year. So far if Mr. D just losing his job is the worst thing to happen to us this year, then let it be, because I’ll take that over anymore health problems.

We can make this work, Mr. D will be a great stay at home dad until he finds more work.

-Think Positive, think positive, think positive. Don’t freak out.-